A Hairy Situation
What do you do when your body just starts going rogue and growing random hair?
It happened suddenly and without warning. One day my eyebrows were perfect; the next day, the left one went rogue; a single eyebrow hair began growing straight down — straight down and so long that it was catching on my eyelash. I have brushed it, trimmed it, plucked it, moussed it, gel’d it, curled it, and even went at it with a blow dryer, but it always comes back. I’ve come to terms with this as one of the ‘joys in the adventures of aging.’
A couple of weeks later, I noticed a single long hair growing off my left earlobe. Just one, and it was about 6cm long. At first, I thought it was just an errant hair from my head that got stuck there, but nope, it was attached. I plucked it, and for weeks afterward, I kept an eye on it to see if it was growing back — nothing. Months passed nothing. Then one day, BAM! 6cm long single ear hair. No warning, no strange feeling, no trembling precursor, just like that it was back. I plucked it again and started taking meticulous notes:
Day 1: No ear hair
Day 2: No ear hair
Day 103: Still no ear hair
Day 217: No ear hair
Day 218: Where the hell did that come from?!?! *yoink!*
There is no rhyme or reason to it, which means I can’t plan for it; I have to wait for it to happen and be ready, ever vigilant. It’s become a nervous tick now, reaching up and feeling for the single rogue hair.
While we’re on the subject of body hair.
A while back, a company called Manscaped™ reached out and wanted to sponsor my podcast ‘The RebelRebel.’ They sell personal grooming devices for men and said I could have some of their stuff if I mentioned it on the show for a month. I took the deal, and a week or so later, I received a package with a sweet electric shaver guaranteed not to circumcise or neuter you if you ever wanted to ‘mow your lawn’. It’s called THE LAWNMOWER 4.0, and it has a headlight. The jokes write themselves.
It’s been a long time since I worried about ‘manscaping’; when you get to a certain age, it just becomes more hassle than it’s worth. But, hey! I’ve got this new thing, so why not give it a try? You don’t want or need the details, except to ponder this as I did: Where do you stop? When I was younger, I had very distinct ‘Fur Zones.’ What I’ve noticed now that I’m older and armed with THE LAWNMOWER 4.0 is that I’m just covered in fur; it’s one big zone.
I ‘mowed the lawn’ and now have one nicely groomed section of my body surrounded by jungle; it’s off-putting and weird, so I ‘mow’ a little more, and a little more, and now I’ve mowed my thighs. I look like a yeti wearing leg warmers. In an attempt to even things out, I ‘mow’ a little higher — my ‘treasure trail’ has become a treasure island in my advanced years, so that has to go. Before you know it, I’ve mowed most of my belly, leaving behind what can best be described as a fur brassiere just as the battery runs out. Just as well, I should stop this nonsense before it goes too far.
Shit. My ear hair is back.