Preventing The Next Cosmic Killer Salad
The first and last line of defence is taught to all of us Canadians at a young age while on family camping trips.
What I know about gardening could fit in a seedpod. And I know that most plants aren’t evil despite what Little Shop of Horrors, The Day Of The Triffids, and Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes has shown us — usually, for a plant to go rogue and murder the world, it needs to have some intervention from space.
I only mention this because I’ve set up my grow tent again and am about to embark on another indoor gardening adventure.
The plan for this next adventure is to grow cherry tomatoes, basil, hot peppers, chives, and another batch of Northern Lights cannabis (a fantastic sleep aid). If you aren’t from Canada, you may not know that growing your own cannabis is legal here — well, now you know — we are nothing if not law-abiding citizens.
“Michael,” you exclaim, “you’re insane for planting those things in close proximity to one another.” Excitement and stress creep into your voice, “What if there is a meteor shower and the cosmic radiation combines these plants into a World Dominating Force of Evil?! Think of the children.”
Okay, okay, I’ll add something to slow it down if that happens. Spinach. I really thought that a killer plant with chive-legs would make it easier to escape from, and I did add sleepy-time cannabis so it would gravitate towards couches instead of villages, but fine, I’ll add spinach. What? You want me to add kale, too, so you can hear it coming? Oh. My. God. Fine, but that is as far as I’m willing to go.
Please keep in mind that my grow tent has a zipper, so even if a meteor shower does intervene in my salad’s growth cycle, it’s not likely it will be able to get out of the tent. Have you ever tried to get out of a tent in the middle of the night to go pee? Now imagine you’re a brand-new World Dominating Murder Salad. You’re disorientated. You don’t have a flashlight. And there are other murder salads that you’re trying not to wake.
That, my friends, is the first and last line of defence. Rest assured, I have thought this through, and the earth is safe on my watch.