Standardized Relationship Test

It’s the most accurate and proven relationship compatibility test known the world over.

Michael Dean Dargie
3 min readFeb 5, 2022

There are only a couple of true tests of relationship compatibility, and none of these are staged or staggered tests. Sure, there are regular standbys such as the latest Chatelaine scooped from your nearest magazine rack; just use your sleeve to wipe off the COVID, and head home to your coffee cup of pre-sharpened pencils. Then there is the tried and true OPRAH Relationship Quiz, and the ever-popular Psychology Today relationship test, but there is no standardized method by which to determine if you are compatible with a life partner save one: IKEA.

Recently I was chatting with my friend Michelle about her latest experience with a new relationship and the topic of putting together furniture came up, specifically IKEA. During the course of this conversation I was able to identify a staged and standardized test for human compatibility, henceforth and ever onward known as the IKEA TEST™ (patent pending).

  • IN IKEA You would think this is the easiest stage but you’d be wrong. There’s a reason why this is stage one. If you can’t get through this then it’s time to move on and find another mate. Does your partner need to fuel up with an IKEA HOT DOG before shopping and you just want to get into the aisles? Does your partner follow the arrows or forge their own path? Do they take more mini pencils than they need? Will they take the shortcuts offered or take thelong way and enjoy the process? How many VÄLDOFT Scented Candles did they just put in the cart? Do you split up and each wait in a different line secretly hoping yours is the fastest so you can say, “I told you!”, or do you stick together like the IKEA SQUAD you are?
  • TRANSPORTATION Now that you have your things — let’s say it’s a IDANÄS 6-Drawer Dresser, matching SMÅGÖRA Wardrobe, and BRIMNES Bedframe — the next test is simple. Do you have it delivered, or do you try to fit it all in your Mini Cooper? Let’s not forget that you not only need to get it into your vehicle, but get it out on the other end, and IKEA boxes are scientifically constructed to require exactly five hands to hold and maneuver each box in the best of circumstances. There are two of you. Will the relationship survive, or should you cut your losses and one takes the IDANÄS and the other takes the SMÅGÖRA? Do you fight for the VÄLDOFT’s even though they’re annoying, you don’t really want them, but you need to prove a point? And who gets the BRIMNES? Let them take it. It weighs as much as the car you were about to put it in and you have your spinal fluid to think about.
  • CONSTRUCTION Many great relationships have lasted and even grown stronger during PHASE 1 and 2, it’s PHASE 3 that will tell you if what you have is really more than understanding your sex IQ (thanks Chatelaine). In my experience, there is one way to put together IKEA furniture and it is exactly like Salsa Dancing. There needs to be a leader (Salsero) and there needs to be a follower (Salsera). Period. It doesn’t work any other way. It doesn’t matter who takes the lead (man, woman, other) all that matters is that the follower is in agreement and makes no judgements on how the Salsero salsas and cha-cha-chas this thing together. Even as they cry and curse various Orisha for help and clarity and for the love of god why don’t we own our own Allen Keys?!?! If you can get through this together with no bloodshed, yelling, or holes where there ought not be holes, your relationship will last.

Valentines Day is fast approaching, so my suggestion is to find that special someone and head down to IKEA, grab a Tunnbrödsrulle, and let the chips fall where they may.



Michael Dean Dargie

I do cool and weird shit with cool and weird people. Dad, biker, writer, speaker, artist, adventurer, doer of things, teacher of stuff.