Your Family Might Be At Risk

A disease so insidious most families don’t know they have it because often only one person in the household shows signs.

There are many things that can cause a family to break down, particularly during a pandemic. Families are literally trapped together, schedules have all but become one ‘online’ experience, rules change daily, but not even the pandemic has caused as much familial strife as a condition known as ED.

ED in this case, of course, refers to ‘elutoria dissonantia’ — a disease so insidious most families don’t know they have it because often only one person in the household shows signs, and only in specific conditions.

What is Elutoria Dissonantia (Latin), and how do you know if I have it?

This common yet ruthless condition is known in English as ‘Disharmony of the Dishwasher,’ or if you prefer the literal Latin to English translation, ‘Dishwasher Clashing.’ If not treated early, this condition will adversely affect one person in the home over the course of years. The leading indicator is a giant throbbing vein in the forehead whenever that person gets close to the dishwasher, and upon opening said dishwasher involuntarily utters the phrase, “jeezfaaaak.”

The person afflicted with outward signs of ED will then spend several minutes reorganizing the contents of the dishwasher to ensure:

1. All contents have equal access to the cleaning process — ie. Nothing obscuring jets or covering other dishes. Also, ensure that the ‘cleaning chicklet’ is positioned properly in the soap holder, so it doesn’t just stick there and become a gloopy blob.
2. Maximizing the number of dirty dishes that can be cleaned, and at the same time ensuring food that will bond to the dish at a molecular level during the dishwashing experience (rice, eggnog, etc.) are rinsed off before running the dishwasher.
3. Streamlining the unloading process by keeping similar items together — small plates with small plates (one-handed extraction available), bowls with bowls (easy stacking), utensils grouped together and pointed down (one-handed extraction with anti-stabbing position).

It’s common that the rest of the family will be oblivious to this condition even though they have been ‘shown the correct method’ for loading the dishwasher no fewer than 878 times. It’s not that they don’t care; it’s because of ED — don’t hate the person, hate the disease.

Once in a generation, more than one person in a family will show signs of ED at the same time. The symptoms are similar, but the complications are more dire in what is known as the ‘ouroboros elutoria proelium’ (OEP), or in English, the ‘Neverending Dishwasher Battle’.

What is Ouroboros Elutoria Proelium?

Let’s say John first started showing signs of ED years ago, but the family hasn’t noticed; John patiently (for the 1,598th day in a row) ‘fixes’ the dish-alignment in the dishwasher. He is in therapy, is practicing mindfulness and about an hour later, the vein in his forehead is no longer throbbing, and the rush of blood in his ears is no longer audible. An hour later along comes Jane, but no one is around to see the warning signs; Jane opens the dishwasher and sighs — a tiny vein starting to pulse in her forehead — she notices that if she just moves some things around, she can fit the salad bowl in the bottom tray where the small plates are. Quietly she utters, “jeeez” thinking to herself why no one in the house cares about loading the dishwasher properly.

After lunch, John goes to the sink, rinses his sandwich plate, opens the dishwasher to put the plate in the ‘small plate’ area he created, but there’s a huge salad bowl there now; the small plates are all over the place, some with the big plates, some in the top rack; how do you even fit a small plate in the cutlery rack? What is this chaos?!?! Adjustments made, John headed to his studio to do some deep breathing exercises.

Walking past the kitchen, Jane notices the salad bowl is back in the sink. Scratching her head, she brings it to the dishwasher, opens the door, clearly sees there is room for it, so she rearranges the small plates, re-adds the salad bowl, closes the dishwasher door firmly and turns it on.

Later that afternoon, John goes to unload the dishwasher, the vein in his head throbbing only slightly because he’s been doing his mindfulness exercises and knows what he’ll find when he opens the dishwasher.

From downstairs, Jane hears, “JEEZFFFFFFAAAAAAAAK!” and the sound of a water balloon bursting followed by a wet thud. When she gets to the kitchen, she sees it’s covered in blood and John is lying on the floor clutching a salad bowl. He has no head. Another tragic victim of Elutoria Dissonantia.